“If a man has a conscience, he will suffer for his mistake. That will be his punishment as well his prison.”
Fyodor Dostoyevsky
In my earlier posts, I wrote, I had trouble sleeping. Even after working for 9 hours of work, 1.5 hours of workout, cooking, cleaning/hygiene/grocery/cooking every day, I still had a hard time sleeping every night. I was falling asleep not before 2-3 am. Nothing was helping; my brain was constantly thinking of something or the other. I was always reading and trying to tire myself but to no avail.
For three years, a few of my friends and one of my sisters insisted on putting myself out there (Dating). And although I had been good at avoiding it till now, I decided to shut it down by signing up on Hinge finally. Now for those who don’t know, you have to upload six photos and write on three prompts, publish your profile, and basically like whoever you like and send 20 likes a day.
My below writeup was inspired by my experience on the app.
Dating apps are so mentally draining that I get exhausted; I end up sleeping one of the best sleep’s I’ve ever had to date. I spend 10-20 minutes on the app daily; most minutes are spent before sleeping, which works wonders. I can’t say I had or am having the best experience; everyone is trying to sell themselves out there. Anyone, I send a “like” to and sends me a like back expects me to impress or make them laugh or put on a show of a lifetime to prove I am worth their time.
The questions then quickly turn to – What do I do, How much do I make, Goals, Vacation/Travel, Food. Not a single person on there wants to have a “real” conversation about life. I’ve gotten ghosted more than 16-20 times any time I’ve ever started to spur up a serious conversation about happiness, life, home, dogs, work, Bucket List, aspirations/ambitions, Interests/Hobbies/Talents. Anytime I’ve stated that I worked at a fast-food joint during school, and that’s how hablo poco Espanol, I immediately get ghosted, and people stop responding to me.
Maybe I am foolish to think that someone looks for morals, ethics, principles, responsibility, generosity, or altruism. Yeah, I guess there is something wrong with me, or I don’t know how this game is played. Twice, the conversation went beyond the “fast-food” barrier, and after I insisted that we should try to know each other and be friends first, bam – unmatched instantly. The psychological philosopher in me started to think why it is so easy for people to do that.
There are two types of costs:
- Intrinsic cost — like guilt, the fear of missing out, that beautiful illusion of you two getting married before sunset
- Extrinsic cost — peer judgment, punishment from the system
Let’s say your match decided to switch over to someone better by ghosting.
Here is what is going to happen inside their head:
- Saying goodbye felt like saying “you ain’t good enough” into your face, which is awkward
- If the fear of rejection is the reason for me to use a dating app, rejecting someone is defeating my original purpose
- There’s no punishment for ghosting
- No one will judge because no one else will know
- Everyone is looking for a better match that attracts them
As such, other than decent courtesy, it’s hard to justify not to ghost. That said, it’s still just a shitty thing to do. But I feel glad if someone will ghost me. Why? Because a bullet has been dodged. Can you imagine wasting your precious time with someone who doesn’t have common courtesy? Your life would be ruined. It is a blessing in disguise.
When someone sends me a match request, and I ask them a question or start a conversation, I’m usually left without a response. It makes me think that the platform is being utilized as a validator of self-worth and ego-stroking. I doubt I will ever reveal how much I make, ambitions, passion, or goals till 3-5 in-person meets to avoid any false negatives. Till then, I have no problem continue being disappointed with this new platform I’ve discovered.
Most people don’t realize that it’s okay not to have the same hobbies or interests. Life is never going to be picture-perfect. Most matches don’t work because they spend significant time attempting to impress than getting to know the person. People focus on finding someone who “makes them happy” instead of focusing on finding someone “they can be happy with.” People are also excessively eager to jump into romantic relationships, and I feel it’s a recipe for disaster. It takes a lot to build a real relationship with anyone. Hence, I seek to cultivate friendships before anything (If I ever decide to go down that path).
That said, I am thrilled with what I’ve achieved. I am finally sleeping on time and have more energy for the rest of the day due to good sleep. The ROI on this product has been almost priceless to me. Sleep, here I come.