I’m still recovering from the aftermath of covid. I didn’t feel the need to spend time trying to figure out how I got it, just that it all started Saturday morning & ended Monday evening. Its aftereffects are taking over now.

Other than covid weakening my body, I was destroyed mentally and emotionally. This is hard to write as I don’t blame anyone but myself for my state, I wish I could blame a person, some app, some software. I trusted someone way too quickly, which landed me in these waters. Some time back, I took upon myself to never speak badly about any particular individuals, so this is it. I am hurt, my heart aches, it hurts like anything, the pain is much harsher than the two days of covid I had. Even the doctor asked, how are you still walking and running around. (High VO2max? lol)

I can’t differentiate anymore, which is causing actual pain – the aftermath of covid recovery or my heartache. I worry that I might land myself in depression because I never thought I would go through something like this ever again. People are entitled to their own decisions but not at the cost of others or treating them like options. If I knew I would be treated like one, I would have bailed out quicker than quicksand. My gut was right; I should’ve listened to it, I didn’t and here we are. This is a rough path, it is hard, but there is no way to avoid or around it. Time usually heals many things, and I’m sure it will heal this too. There is no wall here to be punched through but sail the waters according to its speed and embrace the pain. There is no reason to paddle quicker; it will only drain me out.

I slept at 8 PM yesterday, woke up at 3 AM, slept at 4 AM again to stop thinking about how I felt used. Nothing seems to help; a weak body makes things even worse.

It felt like I was struck when I was at my worst or most vulnerable state. Maybe this is what the future looks like, humans using humans for their own needs, and we have to accept it as a norm and move ahead like nothing ever happened. Accept the damage caused to our hearts and souls, and breeze pass it as a photo clicked in a moment of our lifetimes.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations that propogate fire.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
in where this is, nor you, nor I,
so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,
so close that your hand upon my chest is mine.

Pablo Neruda (Chemical Hearts)

The above poem has nothing to do with my situation FWIW but I saw a movie yesterday and that’s where I picked it from.

I will get out of this state in a few days, a little older, a little wiser, hopefully not making the same mistakes again. Even after all this, I’ve still not given up; even through the darkest tunnels, there is always light at the end. Can’t stay down forever. Every F1 team has a low downtime period, every ASCAN goes through his/her struggles, this is mine.