Love – One of the most complex things in the world. It tends to make or break stuff so quickly, and hence it’s always seen in the wrong sentiment by most people. It is the very thing that holds almost all living beings on the planet together. I just came back from a family dinner, and I couldn’t help but smile for the whole evening. Having a family is great, even if it’s not blood-related, to know that people care about you and will do things for you at the drop of a hat. For a person who’s done most things on his own, this is a breath of fresh air.
I’ve always refrained from talking about my past relationship, moreover because you can open up old wounds that you might not want to surface. The wounds heal with time, but the scars remain. Being born on the other side of the tracks is not a great start to life. You have to start at the bottom and fight your way up to the top like a rat race. Life is just hard, and if you end up catching feelings living that life, you can say goodbye to your heart.
I first saw her in the 6th grade; I know what most people say – 6th? Seriously? Well, it is what it is. Your feelings are pure, innocent, and strong when you’re so young. And that’s what happened. I fell head over heels for a girl in the class over a year & decided then and there that I would marry this person. If I’m writing this, things have not gone as planned. She was the class nerd, the pink bag, the oiled braided hair, fat specs, and yeah, the confidence swooped me off my feet. She was everything I ever wanted. Fast forward to getting my heart destroyed, cut, sliced, torn, and butchered from time to time, she told me that we were too young. And she was right.
She was more mature than me back then, so I listened. And I waited for nine years. Yes, I waited for a woman for nine years. I just kept grinding to move my place from one side of the track to the other. Even my sister told me to drop the idea as she knew her and said, “Women like her operate in their own league.”
But I never listened. I was adamant, stubborn, and reckless. Crazy is what a crazy does.
In the 3rd year of undergrad, I approached her again, and she agreed to meet. This woman genuinely brought out the best in me; I say that with the utmost respect I have for her. I even became a writer and poet, and when I read them now, I think – holy cow, I wrote all that? I guess love does make you do crazy things. It took me six months more to convince her that I wasn’t fooling around. It was hard. Probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done to date. She was a very guarded individual. I had to constantly build my schedule around her as she was working, too, and I have 0 regrets. If I start listing the things I’ve done, no one will ever believe me. Love turned the science nerd into the most hopelessly romantic character straight out of a Shakespeare novel.
And five more years of an LDR continued even after & during grad school; my academics and professional life took off like a T38 JET. Everything was good on my end, having no idea what was happening on the other. Even with a schedule where I could barely see my face in the mirror, I tried to do everything I could because I believed that what I had envisioned as a child was real.
I had to accept that you can do everything for someone, and they would never see you the same way. I threw myself into work, and it helped a lot. I can never hate her even if I wanted, and she will never be a bad person in any measure, and I will never speak ill of her even if a gun is put to my head. I blame the circumstances for everything. On a happy note, she’s done pretty well for herself; she’s a professor now, wrote six/nine books in her field, and was called to the UN in Austria for a speech; she also got awarded “Author of the year” by one of the major publications in academics. We still text each other occasionally as there is a tremendous amount of respect for each other as we did push each other for the better in our way.
Every step I took, every decision I ever made, was to be worthy of her so that when the day arrived for me to ask her father, he would not laugh at me. The person I am today is a version or an embodiment OF her. Nothing can ever change that; no one can take away – who I am today or what I’ve become because of this person.
I still wasn’t sure if I would heal from something like that for a while. Waiting for a person for nine years and then a relationship for 6 is not something to be joked about. I learned, grew, and matured so much in those years that no course on the internet can teach me that. I genuinely want her to be happy in every sense.
Will I do something for someone else for what I did for her? Well, the truth is, I did not do it for a person; I did it for love. Love is an emotion; there’s no price tag; it can’t be bought or sold at a grocery store. Everyone deserves to be happy; some find happiness in materials, some in humans. Be that as it may, it took a reasonable amount of time to gather the courage to put myself out there, especially on a damn app that everyone judges first on looks and then searches for character traits. I contemplate my decision on that app every. Single. Day. But then there’s this hopeless heart of mine that thinks there will at least be one person who believes life is more than just that and lives life with ethics and morals. I’ve mostly had only bad experiences on it for now, and my goto song has always been – “Haven’t met you yet” by my favorite artist, Micheal Buble. That song elevates almost every lousy experience for me. Also, his new one, “Baby, I’ll wait” is just as good.
The people who’ve found their soulmates have no idea how lucky they are. It’s one of the best feelings in the world to have that feeling of emotions that can make or break you. Nothing in life is without risk, but the gamble is worth it if you play your cards right.
For now, I’m blushing with the card I received from Maya.
I am the best brother, not that it was a competition or anything. Just saying – but I am killing it in the brother space. Where are my Rayban sunglasses?
On a serious note:
All the medical stuff I’m learning for EMT & eventually Paramedic is challenging as the last time I touched biology was 10th grade. But I’m excited to know all the new terminology, concepts, and equipment.
Go big or go home, right?
I’m trying to get back to track running but have to constantly time out the weather well as it’s starting to get very hot. My VO2max on my watch still shows 40.6, which is a horrible value to hold but again, it’s a process, and Rome wasn’t built on a day.