I had no expectations for this year other than a few stuff I wanted to get done. And the year has been to a terrible start. I have a two-week on-call rotation covering my own and a team members’ vacation. I wanted to do it because he’s always been a go-to person, + I need some extra cash this start of the year. I have a 10k race on Saturday, no idea if I’m going to go with it. Sunday, I have a flight to Des Moines, Iowa, for work. I wanted to get two surgeries done early this year, pretty sure that’s not going to happen. I also wanted to get an indoor bike for recovery, probably waiting until I get back from Iowa. I also wanted to start with my EMT this mid-year entirely, but if everything else is haphazardly done, I doubt I’ll get to it this year.

My mom was ill; my best friend also has covid, and then today morning I fell sick. I accidentally had six scrambled eggs + salad together yesterday night. I couldn’t breathe in the morning well, was sweating in cold and raining weather, got out of the path train, and got a uber home again. I thought I would take it all out, but not much happened after coming home other than sleeping till 6 PM. I checked my SPO2; it is okay.

Over that, my total unrealized loss has reached $154,000 from my all-time high on the brokerage account. Bizzare. Somehow I’m still very calm. I only wish I had extra cash lying around somewhere to buy more.

The only good thing is that I finally listed all the beneficiaries on the brokerage account. So If and when I die, yeah. I’m not going to explain why there are no organizations listed for humans. I will keep adding more to the list as the account increases.

With everything that has happened, I wonder if this (ASCAN) is all worth it. Nobody is forcing me; there’s no expectation set from a godly figure, but I’m unsure if climbing the corporate ladder is all I would ever want to do. I am not sure If my moral compass will hinder any of it.

Because if I drop it and go with the flow (Which I’ve never done till today), A few promotions, Manager, Director, VP, C exec, along with some traveling, food, house, car. That’s it? Is that all life is about for most people? Earn money, spend and flaunt wealth.
I can pretty much do all of that right now. It wouldn’t make much sense either way. There will always be a constant battle in taking the easy way; stop worrying about everything else and not give a damn about 99% of the things that happen in the world, but if everything thinks the same, then yeah. What’s the point.

And it’s still January 2022.

Only through suffering can we find ourselves.

Fyodor Dostoevsky