It’s 1:44 AM; I’m unable to sleep – partially due to a long day of work, errands & working out in the evening. Evening workouts are the worst as they increase your body temperature & it takes time for your body to cool down for it to be put to sleep fully. So that’s half of the story.
The other reason is my brain can’t help but think about the psychological factors of why people behave poorly with others and end up hurting them. Do they have no empathy, courtesy, or moral compass that others care about & can be damaged because of their behavior?
I’ve started to carry a notion of “The buck stops with me.” This means I shut down & have no intention of hurting back at people, as it doesn’t help anyone. You might feel good that you stick up to that person for a while, but nothing changes. I hated my past self; I am brutal with words if I am down to it. I am more scared of my words than I am afraid of anything because I know I will burn the heart & soul of someone if I want to. I have no intention of ever being that person ever again.
I read this sentence, “If you don’t heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”
The sentence hits home so bad because now I realize that people were just hurt deep down every time I had a bad crossover. There are few exceptions where I knew their state & was only trying to help them, which backfired, but the point remains the same. Hurt people end up hurting people. I do not have an answer for why someone behaves the way they behave. Hell – even psychology does not have a solution for everything. It’s how humans are.
All this makes it harder for me to believe in a future where everyone is not so self-absorbed in themselves that they forget the person who is dying beside them. The way things are going, our future does look bleak. But, the burden of saving/preserving humanity or pushing the boundaries of knowledge was never dependent on 99% of the population. It has always been dependent on the crazy ones who still keep going even when the odds are not in their favor. As eerie as it may sound, 99.9999% (Four 9’s, but I could be wrong) of the people exist to exist; let that sink in. Everyone has a part to play in the smaller scheme of things, but it wouldn’t matter in a larger scheme of things. But there is a counter-argument from the story of “The sound of thunder” called the “Butterfly effect.” Even a small change can cause a significant effect in the future. I can keep on giving paradox after paradox to counter the prior. We need everyone; everyone has a part to play in society – most of us are just born to exist, enjoy & die. And I’m not okay with that.
I somehow managed to pivot the entire point of this post.
The most ironic thing is that we get hurt by people only because we care. If we didn’t, it wouldn’t hurt as much. And caring for the wrong individuals in our life can be one of the deadliest forms of self-destruction. We can’t help everyone even if we want to – it’s a noble thought, but I’ve just accepted that it is not my job or at least I can’t do it alone. Because my mentors were right, I might lose my mind when no one is there to save me if I continue on this path. From hurt comes pain, and from pain comes change. If it hurts enough, change will happen.
We got to let it go; we cannot hold onto our fears of being hurt again as that act can harm someone else in need. “The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.”
Behind every beautiful thing, there is some kind of pain.
Bob Dylan