“What drives you?”. I’m drained out once in a while but have never been “tired” in essence. I think it’s time I write what makes me get up in the morning at the same time and force myself to perform 5000% every single day.

When your motivation, will, drive, inspiration, ambition, and determination are seeded & rooted in rage, anger, injustice, and wrongdoing that’s happened to you, nothing can stop you. Staying in bed or not giving it all means you’ve already lost. You cannot change your past, but it cannot affect your present or future. When we let our past emotions and experiences take over our minds and emotions, we start going into an endless downward spiral. The more we think about it, the more it controls us. It was an arduous journey to manage and channel all that rage into good measure in my teenage years. It is still hard, and there’s still a long way to go. Being calm and composed in the most tenuous circumstances and not losing your cool can save your mental sanity in many ways.

If I don’t give my 100+% every day, many people out there can benefit from the work I plan to do in the coming years; I would essentially be giving upon them. I feel, in some ways, cursed and blessed at the same time. It’s hard to explain why I don’t have any friends my age, and the average age of my friend circle is 44+ years or so. But at the same time, the goals that I’ve been relentlessly working for are not easy, and it’s just as important to have people around who are mentally, emotionally, and psychologically mature to help me get there. There is no deficiency of smart people globally, but sane people are deficient.
Going through a rough upbringing teaches you a million things. Your soul matures ahead of time. And for a few, you can tell who had to go through similar experiences just by looking at their faces, the way they move, or “hide” it. So it’s not such a far stretch. Their eyes tell a story that they’ve gone through experiences that words cannot describe. For some reason, I’ve always observed that women are more emotionally mature than men. Of course, my experience is anecdotal on the grand scale of things.

Emotional Maturity means a lot of things:

  • Being adaptable, empathetic, communicative
  • Not shutting down when things don’t go your way.
  • Communicating expectations, desires, frustrations.
  • Seeing things from someone else’s point of view.
  • Accepting responsibility for their own choices and flaws.
  • Not seeing any criticism as a personal attack.
  • Someone who can keep their shit under control.
  • Respecting everyone.

I’d rather be the person who tried and failed than the person who never tried. Some days I go without eating anything as fasting. But I still manage to run 8 miles, ride the bicycle for 30 minutes at a decent intensity, and then row again for 30 minutes. I doubt this is just training; often, it is sheer willpower.

I’ve stopped counting how many times I’ve failed till now. It doesn’t help me because I am my own harshest critic ever to live. When someone sees my resume, they see a version of me that resonates with my success, not my struggles. For every win I’ve had in some way or the other, I’ve lost countless times, but in those down or low moments is where I’ve consistently grown to be the best version of me.

Today is the opportunity to build the tomorrow you want.

I’ve decided not to run the 9+1 races for the TCS marathon. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but my goals are relatively different from others who run with me. They run for fun; I run for endurance and training. There are many associated costs – money spent on races, time commitment, training for specific races, logistics is a nightmare for me a lot of times.

On another note: Taxes have been a nightmare this year. I might most probably hire someone to do it next year for me.

“If you make your internal life a priority, then everything else you need on the outside will be given to you and it will be extremely clear what the next step is.”

 Gabrielle Bernstein