I couldn’t attend my cousin sister’s engagement ceremony. Yeah, that happened. I have no excuses. I deserve to feel shitty like this. She messaged me the next day, saying she missed me a lot; it made my heart sink. We grew up together, and rarely did we see any of our siblings as cousins; we were all the same; running around, playing, falling, breaking bones, making fun of each other, and waiting for summer breaks.

I was setting up a brand new MacBook which I received from my workplace as the last one was crapping out under serious loads. I stopped everything and just read the message blankly, took a backseat, and looked outside my view of the Oculus and World Trade Center, contemplating if everything is worth it. Maybe her kids will reap the benefits? who knows? Maybe this is all for nothing.

The elder sister who protected you in your childhood, wiped your tears when you cried, looked after you, had one of the most important days in her life, and you somehow managed to miss it, the brother of the year award, huh?

I watched all the videos sent to me; the family had a blast. I had serious FOMO.

She is in her mid 20’s so I guess everyone gets engaged at this age. I hope to attend the wedding, but I’ve already missed so many meetings and a major conference in the summer, bailing out again on work trips and conferences in another half of the year might just seem – well, I don’t know.

There is no amount of money or gift I can send her can make it up, but I can only hope she might understand. And she always does; she’s the elder one, but I still feel like I committed a crime.

Time to repent, Raskolnikov?

Work is going to kick it up a notch again, and I’m going to go into hyperdrive mode the get as much done soon as possible and then do nothing EOY. I still have the EMT state exam to prepare for; sadly, I have to do this alone; no help this time. I’m gonna miss it all, though, especially the people. Mom said it’s still not too late to consider med school; I’m fairly young, so it would be cool to be an engineer and a doctor at the same time. And with my current resume, it wouldn’t be hard to get into one. God no. lol. Med school is expensive; I love my money; my money loves me. I went berserk last year with options and investments; enough of an adrenaline rush that was. If I tell anyone that I gambled around with that amount of money like a game of monopoly at this age, many will faint.

I wish dad would be here; he always had something encouraging to say, I opened a few of his past saved texts today:

Your mom and & both have gone through so many hostile conditions in life, but we never got swept by that & on the contrary, we remained remarkably steady in such situations and got exactly what we expect from you, concentrating on your career; rather than getting panicked on petty things. Somethings sometimes, you have to tolerate things as your tongue gets pressed under your own teeth. There lies our greatness & gesture. At the same time, your knowledge will take you to the top position to help mankind & make good fortunes by helping the poor.

Hectic activities will take you to perfection & your hard work; efficiency will make you a perfect man to achieve your goals in life. I am proud of you. As you are my youngest child, I always miss you whenever I am outside in distant places.

Dear, You are now entering a different phase of life. Keep the patience. Be in the tract. I have complete confidence in your potential & integrity. You need not run for your desired goal in haste. I am sure the desired goal will reach you in due course of time.

If I could help even a portion of the people he helped in this lifetime, I might be at peace. Losing him at such a young age was hard, but I’m happy he saw me in my college years, building, researching, and innovating in the very things in a field that I promised not to touch. God, the irony of it all – here we are. I was on a call with someone from the EMT class the other day, and she said, “Life is going full circle for you.” That was quite a wise remark, smart woman.

I am going to try and make a case for my workplace to pay for paramedic school. The only sales pitch I have is that they get their second astronaut candidate from not just the same company but the same team. Yeah, I got nothing else. My brain isn’t functioning well today as I thought it would.

Weird Sidenote: I got alerted yesterday about someone trying to break into the backend for this site. Huh? What did I ever do to you, random citizen?

For some reason, the traffic on the site has increased over the past week.
0 idea why. It’s just random personal life blogposts.